Day 1 - London

Ok, Just a quick review of Xmas in the UK. Overall, awful. TV this year hit an all-time low after several years of consistently being rubbish. I'm glad I wasn't at home long enough to sit through more than a few hours of train crash reality shows and low rent sit-coms. The only bright moment was the excellent Bond movie. In fairness, the social side of Xmas was absolutely superb. It was brilliant to finally share the recent travel exploits and to reveal some of the stories that didn't make it into the blog. I did rather selfishly turn most conversations towards 'me' but people were generally kind enough to indulge me in these self-centred moments. Still, I'm glad to have got back to adventuring after just a very short festive UK stay.

I've risked not packing any cold weather clothing for this leg and I do hope I won't live to regret that decision. The research I've done suggests I'll need nothing more than a thong and some flip-flops (they are two different things for any Aussie readers) but my research has proven flawed previously. So we'll see.

It wasn’t until I was challenged at LHR T3 check-in for some paperwork that I remembered something. Every time I find myself going to or going though the US I wish I’d not bothered or found a way not to. 

The US Immigration Service make it such a massive pain in the arse to get in, I’m surprised there is any significant international air travel to or from the USA at all. 

No-one in the US appears to own a passport so by implication no-one really wants to leave. Anyone volunteering to undertake the visa/temporary visa (ESTA) immigration documentation followed by the endless cattle prodded queue towards unsmiling, self-important functionaries in crisp uniforms, who, believing themselves to be something more than just a drone just because someone gave them a badge with ‘Supervisor’ printed on it, asks a lengthy series of pointless questions, before waving you through with a few unnecessary and unfeeling platitudes, ranging from, 'have a good day' all the way up to, 'have a great day’ depending on whether they’re sleepy brains register you as an actual human being or just an animated bag of mostly water and not so rare minerals, has got to be certifiable...... And breathe. 

I honestly found it less of a trauma to get into Uzbekistan - and I attempted that in a different language that I didn’t understand while stinking like a World War One latrine.  

Not that I don’t have a soft spot for America you understand, it’s just the petty bureaucracy and titular lunacy in some American institutions that makes one both wince and shake the head in bemused frustration. Still if you can’t beat them, join them.

Neil Penn

Senior Vice President of Unnecessary Blog Verbiage and Criminally Long Sentence Structure 

(European Division)